Saturday, March 26, 2005

Hello, Pervert!

Perhaps pervert is a little harsh. I understand that the internet and the privacy of one’s home, or internet cubicle, or whatever, has allowed thousands of people to attain sexual confirmation and comfort through a simple Google search. Whether it’s mosquito netting or fruit, superglue or the blind-and-deaf that turn you on, type in your fantasy into that magic search box, and two seconds later you’re bound to find a website devoted to men or women with fantasies just like yours.

My internet lovin’ has been, sadly enough, limited to my blog. In my efforts to find a readership, I’ve thrown myself into the blogworld. Time that should be spent reading a good book is sucked into the ramblings of the bloggers worldwide. Entire hours disappear. I hit the “next blog” button compulsively, always wanting more, frowning at chunky paragraphs with little punctuation and smiling at the pride of stay-at-home moms who have posted photographs of homemade Easter wreaths. Not so secretly, I too share the Martha Stewart Dream.

In my early blog days, I installed an innocent counter at the bottom of my page. Innocent to you, the unsuspecting blog visitor. This little tool, though, allows me to see a little part of your web roving. Sure, it posts a number at the bottom of the page. But on my page, it tells me your location, how long you stay on the site, and perhaps most importantly, where you came from. I'm sorry. It's for marketing purposes only. Really.

In the beginning, there were only links from emails (result of my shameless begging) and links from comments on other blogs (result of my shameless plugging). Soon, though, Google and Yahoo! became aware of my existence. And thus, my blog was miraculously included in the searches.

Most people have done a search for my name or for my blog title. Ah, my friends, thank you. Recently, though, through no intention of my own, I’ve had some visitors who were certainly searching for something other than non-fiction essays. My pieces include the words lessons, exposed, kissing, boob, pantyhose, stocking, and masturbating, though not in that order.

One recent search was for “Kissing + Lessons + Girl.” How beautiful. I imagined a young teenager, ready to go out with that Someone Special, wanting to get it just right. I hope that he quickly moved on and found the help he was seeking in time for Saturday night.

I laughed at other searches that had led to my page. One was for “pantyhose OR stocking OR falling pantyhose OR ripped pantyhose PLUS falling down.” Another was simply for "boob". Yet another requested “exposed himself to me.”

But this morning took the cake. I looked at the links that had led to my blog yesterday, and discovered that my blog, Better than Hamlet, is the number one hit for people searching Yahoo! for “Slutie little 9 year-old”. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. And thank you, Yahoo!.


At 8:55 PM, Blogger Emily said...

A couple comments:

If I were to form the adjective of 'slut', I would choose 'slutty'. Aki, in his drunken comment the other night, spelled it 'slutie', allowing for Yahoo! to so find my blog.

Also, on a different note, Nicolas and I have started a new blog, similar in heart to this one. It's called "Metro Stories", and you should check it out. Please.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger jkirlin said...

I am soooooooooo busted.

Heh heh heh

At 10:03 PM, Blogger cdretska said...

I am so proud to have enabled Yahoo! to have found Ema's blog!

I would like to add that, normally I too, would form the adjective of 'slut' as 'slutty'. Indeed having heard about Ema's new blog posting from Matthew in CT (yes word travels fast in the modern world), I came home to plug in 'slutty little 9 year old' into google. It didn't work.

As much as I would like to take credit for 'slutie', I cannot. Credit actually goes to my good friend Ryan Cox, in Salt Lake City. Ryan, in his regular emails to yours truly always ends his emails with the friendly closure of 'stay slutie'... sadly, DC life is not terribly 'slutie', but I'm glad that some guy/girl, was able to find Ema's blog via this construction.

There you have it. Much love,

At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you go to yahoo and type 'spaceships' under the images section, a picture I made comes up #1 (at least the last time I checked) currently, it's also the main referrer to my site.

By the way, do you live in Ile-De-France? Someone from an ip there showed up to my main web page. You know, it's kinda fun to see who comes to your website and blog but also kinda sneeky. Recently, I read an article about people who read their ex's email because the other party never bothered to change their password. That's where it goes overboard!

Anyway, it just shows that our travels on this here internet aren't as private as we think. All our moves are recorded in some way or another.

p.s. I'm commenting to your blog from home. My ip currently shows as, supposedly I am located in Philadelphia but I am not. That's because I have a dynamic IP address through DSL.

I'll post anonymous and you'll find me through yahoo as mentioned above...

At 11:02 PM, Blogger Tony said...

oh crap, I just realized that it probably didn't work... my anonymous attempt that is...

My site was down for a few days and I guess Yahoo took me off for the spaceships search. Anyway, you probably saw me connect from the comment you put on my blog the other day, d'oh!

Je suis stupide, je pensais que j'avais le click-technique magnifique mais j'ai trouvé que ce n'est pas vrai.

At 12:42 AM, Blogger Adam Kotsko said...

By repeating the offending phrase, you only increase the length of your stay at the top of Yahoo's search results.

At 4:57 AM, Blogger The Michael said...

If you were to search "World's leading Authority on Anything Meaningful", you would not link to MY blog, but you know, deep down inside, I wish it would.....hehe.....that's about the extent of MY illusion of Grandeur. Em, you can't skip thru this virtual world without a LITTLE bit of dirt rubbing off, so just laugh and soldier on, little girl!

At 1:34 PM, Blogger Emily said...

I wasn't really complaining, or worried, etc.-- I just thought it was funny that I'd inadvertantly used all those words, which, together, made my site look like a great place to find porn.

(Et-oh, I said "porn".)

At 4:14 PM, Blogger tafka PP said...

Sitemeters rock. Even if they are only for marketing purposes.

I've been back to visit a couple of times since you first commented on my blog- so you see, the shameless plugging can be declared at least partially successful!

At 11:26 PM, Blogger Joolz said...

OK so I visited you. Why not come and see me now?

At 1:40 AM, Blogger Emily said...

Um, usually people put a little more pizazz into their shameless plugging...

At 12:34 AM, Blogger noricum said...

Hm... I don't know what it is about you and bloglines, but this post didn't show up again. :P (Or, at least, it hasn't yet.)

I just subscribed to your new blog too (I'm sure the search hits will be just as, um, "interesting" there ;) ), and your feed only had the March 23 posts.


I really enjoy your posts... I wish your feeds worked better. I guess I'll just have to remember to check back occasionally. ;)

--from your chunky-paragraph fan. ;)

At 2:18 AM, Blogger Ben said...

Aaah - sounds like an advanced case of "Blogger's Curse". Prescription: limit self to checking blog traffic meter only once a day. It's very hard - I know!

BTW - you're not the only one getting weird traffic. I get at least 10 people a day through my blog looking for topless photos. Unfortunately for them I have none :(

At 6:34 AM, Blogger noricum said...

Hey, it came through on Bloglines! Maybe there's just some strange time warp between Paris and Bloglines. ;)

I've only been checking my stats for a week now, but I haven't gotten any pervert hits yet. Or, at least, not any that I've recognized as such. ;)

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Emily said...

Okay, I just looked into the Bloglines problem... everything should be working fine, but forget the "Old" one and type it in new to the Blogger box when you add a new feed. It seems to be updating that way... sorry about the problems.

At 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I e-mailed you, emily. Hope you got it.

At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Susan said...

Embo. You are certainly not a naughty little schoolgirl, with an affinity for golden showers or glass-bottom boats. But never fear, hike up those suspenders and garter belts and Liederhosen and do an erotic dance with joy, because this comment will get you steamingly sexy Yahoo searches. Love, an Asian lesbian minor.


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