Hello, Pervert!

Perhaps pervert is a little harsh. I understand that the internet and the privacy of one’s home, or internet cubicle, or whatever, has allowed thousands of people to attain sexual confirmation and comfort through a simple Google search. Whether it’s mosquito netting or fruit, superglue or the blind-and-deaf that turn you on, type in your fantasy into that magic search box, and two seconds later you’re bound to find a website devoted to men or women with fantasies just like yours.

My internet lovin’ has been, sadly enough, limited to my blog. In my efforts to find a readership, I’ve thrown myself into the blogworld. Time that should be spent reading a good book is sucked into the ramblings of the bloggers worldwide. Entire hours disappear. I hit the “next blog” button compulsively, always wanting more, frowning at chunky paragraphs with little punctuation and smiling at the pride of stay-at-home moms who have posted photographs of homemade Easter wreaths. Not so secretly, I too share the Martha Stewart Dream.

In my early blog days, I installed an innocent counter at the bottom of my page. Innocent to you, the unsuspecting blog visitor. This little tool, though, allows me to see a little part of your web roving. Sure, it posts a number at the bottom of the page. But on my page, it tells me your location, how long you stay on the site, and perhaps most importantly, where you came from. I'm sorry. It's for marketing purposes only. Really.

In the beginning, there were only links from emails (result of my shameless begging) and links from comments on other blogs (result of my shameless plugging). Soon, though, Google and Yahoo! became aware of my existence. And thus, my blog was miraculously included in the searches.

Most people have done a search for my name or for my blog title. Ah, my friends, thank you. Recently, though, through no intention of my own, I’ve had some visitors who were certainly searching for something other than non-fiction essays. My pieces include the words lessons, exposed, kissing, boob, pantyhose, stocking, and masturbating, though not in that order.

One recent search was for “Kissing + Lessons + Girl.” How beautiful. I imagined a young teenager, ready to go out with that Someone Special, wanting to get it just right. I hope that he quickly moved on and found the help he was seeking in time for Saturday night.

I laughed at other searches that had led to my page. One was for “pantyhose OR stocking OR falling pantyhose OR ripped pantyhose PLUS falling down.” Another was simply for "boob". Yet another requested “exposed himself to me.”

But this morning took the cake. I looked at the links that had led to my blog yesterday, and discovered that my blog, Better than Hamlet, is the number one hit for people searching Yahoo! for “Slutie little 9 year-old”. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. And thank you, Yahoo!.